What Is My More?

Last year was a banner year for me. Yet, I am hungry for more in 2019! In addition to continuing my modeling/acting career, I am making room for more of what feeds my soul. “flexoffers”

2018, you were a “Rock Star” year of growth and opportunity. I plunged head first into launching my lifestyle modeling career which morphed into some unexpected acting!

I jumped on the rollercoaster and surrendered to the ride, to all the many twists and turns and loop-de-loos! I was the oldest person in my improv acting class, the oldest person in my commercial acting classes and auditioning workshops. My agent sent me out to auditions, I self submitted for my own work. I drove all over the map, all over the Los Angeles area, attending auditions and working jobs. I was green as green could be but I showed up and did my best no matter what the circumstances, from the insanely early morning calls to the all nighters. I wore expensive wardrobe, I brought my own wardrobe. I glammed up and got down right dirty. I worked for free, I worked for minimum wage and for well-paying gigs. I worked on print and video commercials, on movie and television sets. Some of it made the director’s edit, some of it didn’t. I met so many amazing people who filled me up and cheered me on. I did an interview for an online magazine about women reinventing themselves at midlife. I had a t-shirt named after me in a collection of tees named after inspiring women. I was the guest on a health and wellness podcast in the U.K. I was open to any opportunity, was all in for sharing and learning everything I could about going for your dreams in your late 50s and was absolutely thrilled to do it! Who says it’s too late?

Throughout this hectic pace, I had three dental surgeries, a three week respiratory flu, a breast biopsy and a uterine biopsy. I came through it all with flying colors and a clean bill of health. A few setbacks didn’t keep me down for long. I was on a high and kept on going! In addition to my day job, I started building my social media presence which turned into my second job as an emerging influencer which led me to connect with the Forever Fierce Revolution and joining the planning committee for FierceCon 2018. This was a highlight of the year where I connected with some of the most amazing and inspirational women I would never have otherwise met!

And…. Big Rich and I managed to stay busy on weekends, diving back and forth to our desert home in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, keeping up with family get-togethers, houseguests and special occasions. Celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary year we renewed our vows on a cruise, went on a winter ski trip and a summer vacation to the Canadian Rockies, a jaunt to Colorado, two trips to the Grand Canyon, road trips to the central coast to wine country and beyond. I attended my 40th year high school reunion. Boy, did I have stuff to talk about. Yep, I slayed some serious dragons in 2018!

Insert 2019. What to do in 2019? My first reaction was I’ll do more of the same! Slay away!! But…no, it wasn’t going to be that easy. That thought did not sit so well. There was a heaviness about it, a feeling that all of the wonderful madness of 2018 was leading to more. What was my more?

I stumbled around for a long time trying to get a grip on what I was really hungry for. What was nudging me deep in my soul? I started to journal about it. I’ve always kept a journal, but for about six weeks leading up to the holiday it had gone by the way side. As a result, I had lot of junk in my head. I fell prey to the buzz about setting resolutions, intentions, finding your word for 2019. Out with the old, in with the new! New Year, New You! My head was too full of noise and clutter to be able to tap into what my heart was trying to tell me. I started to feel anxious, overwhelmed and cranky. My friend @wendyknipp advised me to stop trying so hard, let it go and just be. And, she was right. I let go, started journaling about whatever came to mind and I felt so much better and I figured out what my more should be! I love to paint and had pushed it to the back burner too many times, allowing anything else to take priority. I realized I needed to let the creative energy flow, to give it the life it deserves and for which it has been yearning!

I realized I needed to paint, to create for the act of creating. It is simply the artistic life force that lies within me that deserves a chance to take the stage.

But….. how was I going to set my goals? What was my action plan? Once again, I felt overwhelmed! I knew what I wanted to do, but how was I going to do it? Anxiety and fear began to creep in and I began to feel overwhelmed (and more cranky!). I opened up instagram on my phone and the first post that came up was a video post by @thefulfilledpharmasist (Lisa King) the author of “Tiny Life Changes” who suggested taking baby steps toward your goals, emphasizing even the tiniest step was progress. So, I sat down again, with my journal and wrote down this one single word “CREATE”. I stared at the word. And, I stared at the word some more. Suddenly, my pen began to work seemingly on its own, laying out a frame work, one I felt was reasonable and achievable where I could prioritize painting and schedule it alongside my work and personal life. Just by writing down one single word, I made a whole plan! Plus, I came up with another word, a word with intention. That word is “SERENITY” for none of this goal of painting would be of value to me if it did not bring me peace. For, I also came to realize, it is peace that is foremost the foundation of my happiness.

I’m certain there will be lumps, bumps and setbacks along the way, but I’m ready to let my painting muse ride gunshot. My painting muse and I, we have had a rocky relationship, with no formal training or discipline, we both are a bit wild and stubborn. Yet, I am deeply grateful she hasn’t forsaken me. I am sorry for the way I mistreated her, brushed her aside and kept her hidden. I treated her horribly for a very long time. Yes, we have a past and now we have a future!